I have noticed a pattern in almost every woman I know who is carrying a lot.
She is not alone. She has people. A partner, a best friend, a sister, a few trusted colleagues. When something hard lands on her desk or her kitchen table, she knows exactly who she will call.
And yet she still feels like she is figuring it out by herself.
The problem is not a lack of support. The problem is that the support was never designed. It simply accumulated.
The Board You Never Chose
Every successful company has a board of directors. People with different expertise, chosen on purpose, whose job is to challenge assumptions, offer perspective, identify blind spots, and help guide the decisions that matter most. Nobody thinks it is strange that a company needs that. We think it is smart.
We rarely apply the same logic to our own lives. Women in particular are not great at asking for help. I know, because I was the worst at it. In my thirties and forties, my kids were little, I was building a business, working crazy hours, and holding everything together at home while my husband commuted and traveled. I did not know how to ask for help. So I burned out, got cranky, recovered, and repeated the cycle.
What most of us have instead is an accidental board. It tends to look like this:
→ The spouse, who is too close to the situation to be objective
→ The best friend, who loves you too much to challenge you
→ The sister, who grew up the way you did and may share your blind spots
→ The coworker, whose interests may compete with yours
→ The therapist, whose expertise may help you process what you are experiencing, but who is not necessarily the person advising your next business move
None of these people are wrong to have in your life. The problem is what we expect them to do. We ask one person to be our mentor, sounding board, cheerleader, strategist, accountability partner, and truth-teller. That is an impossible job to give anyone. It is also an unfair one.
What I Learned the Hard Way
When I started OnDemandCMO, I made the mistake of not surrounding myself with people who had already built businesses like mine. It was years later, when my friend Bernardine Wu brought me into Vistage, a structured peer advisory group, that I realized we all really do need a board of advisors.
Bernardine and I have similar training and similar value systems, and we made a promise to each other that we would never sugarcoat the truth. If I do not want to schlep into the city for dinner the night before a flight, I can say no thank you, and there is no ego, no anger, no resentment. And when one of us does something that triggers a value, the other one says so. She will call me on my stuff. She is a strategic advisor, a best friend, and a sister, all in one relationship.
Then there is Kathy D’Agati, my wise guide. When I was thinking about writing a marketing book, Kathy asked me who on earth wanted to read the 1,684th book on marketing. Tell your story, she said. I told her I did not think anybody cared about my story. She told me I was wrong, and to go write the book. Subtle, but effective. That is how The 7 Secrets to Creating a Life You Love came to be.
And when the book was written, it took a village to get it into the world. Who got it on Amazon? Who showed me how to promote it? Today there is an ecosystem of people behind everything I put out, including every episode of this podcast. None of it happens alone.
Do Not Wait for the Fire
I believe we ask for help when the building is already on fire.
Instead of saying, I am about to build a business, raise kids, leave my corporate job, or start a new chapter, so let me surround myself with people who can support me and challenge me, we wait until we are in crisis mode. Then we look around and ask, who do I even call?
A board assembled under pressure is not a board. It is a rescue team. The trust has not been built, the relationships have not been developed, and the people you need most do not understand your context.
→ Build the relationships before you need them
→ Develop the trust before the decision arrives
→ Create the network before the crossroads appears
The Five Seats at the Table
If you want to build a support system that actually works, start by thinking in seats rather than people. These are not formal titles. They are functions. One person can sometimes hold more than one seat, but every seat should be filled on purpose.
Advisory Is Not Networking
It is great to network with people, but networking is transactional. Nice to meet you, we exchange value, we move on. Having a board is much more long-term and much more strategic.
Networking is the tactic. Your board is the strategy.
And you don’t necessarily have to build that board from scratch. There are communities designed to bring accomplished women together for exactly this kind of connection and exchange. Sarah Dale’s Project 1490 and Lauren Bailey’s Legacy Executive Club are two examples. The opportunity is to surround yourself with women who bring different experiences, perspectives, and expertise to the table. But joining is only the beginning. You still have to show up, contribute, ask for what you need, and be willing to give as much as you get.
That is what building a support system by design looks like. It is not just about who you know. It is about being intentional with the relationships you develop.
In The 7 Secrets to Creating a Life You Love, Secret #6 is Life by Design, Not Default. In the absence of information or leadership, people make things up. Think about a meeting where no one is owning the discussion. People fill the gap, and the results come out completely sideways. The same is true of your support system. A support system built by default is like a narrative written by someone else. It tells a story that does not serve you.
Secret #3 is about choices: micro-decisions lead to macro-outcomes. Who you go to with a hard choice is one of those micro-decisions. You have to trust that person to give you real value, not just tell you what you want to hear or point you down the path of least resistance.
I have explored this idea with guests on Possibilities before. Brittany Drozd talked about organizational cultures that form by default versus the ones that are built by design, which is exactly what happens with the people around your table. Ann Murtlow talked about embracing curiosity and intentionality, and a personal board is one of the most intentional things you can build.
And Jackie Joy, a connector, a good friend, and someone who would tell me the truth, talked about the future of leadership being female. Before we take the reins of companies, economies, and countries, we need to make sure our boards are going to serve us, because each of us has different skills and different blind spots.
Which Seat Is Empty?
Take out a piece of paper and write one name next to each question.
→ Who challenges me and tells me the truth, even when it is uncomfortable?
→ Who genuinely believes in me and reminds me of my strengths when I forget them?
→ Who has expertise I am still reaching for?
→ Who opens doors and introduces me to people I would not have met on my own?
→ Who gives me wisdom and perspective because they have lived more chapters than I have?
Now look at the list. Which seat is empty?
That is your gap. That is what you need to fill, and that is where to be intentional. If your answers are yes, yes, yes, yes, no, fix the no and validate the yeses.
Before You Move On With Your Day
Building a support system by design does not mean collecting more people. It means looking at your close, close network, the people you trust, value, and love, and asking: do I have the right people in the right seats?
If you are entering a new chapter, building something, leading through a transition, or simply tired of figuring it all out alone, start with two small actions.
First, send a text to someone who has been on your board longer than they realize. Thank them. Tell them what their presence in your life has meant.
Second, think about who is missing. Reach out and be honest: I am building my own personal board, and I would love for you to be part of it. People generally want to help. Ask without guilt, and offer what you know in return.
And remember, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. If you are facing a negotiation with your boss, or a situation you have never navigated before, call in someone who has already been through the fire and understands how the game is played. I have been through it more than once. If you need me, you know where to find me.
Listen to the full conversation on Possibilities with Monique de Maio: https://www.moniquedemaio.com/podcast/why-every-woman-needs-a-personal-board-of-directors/
~ Monique
If your story could belong to anyone, it isn't really yours yet.
Monique's Three Words Worksheet helps you name what makes you and/or your business different, so every decision and every message starts there.
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